I wish my penis had an off switch
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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