i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
