Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
