Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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