We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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