we have officially mastered the walk of shame
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
