I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
