Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
