onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
