I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
