hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
