hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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