ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
