She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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