so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
