i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
