need another drink. this is the easiest way
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
