True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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