Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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