I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
