I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I didn't notice because vodka
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
