I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
