Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
