mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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