I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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