She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
