Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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