you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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