Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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