I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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