Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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