i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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