the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
