Someone shit on the floor
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
