Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
