Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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