Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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