I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
