Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
