I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
