In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
