I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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