Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
