these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
