I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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