peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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