I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
