im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
