After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
