I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
