Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
