I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
