If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
