Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize