she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize