I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
