Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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