I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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