Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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