he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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