So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
